So I surrender to the sweetest love...

rolling over me.

I wish that I wrote more.  I wish I was more profound or eloquent or inspired.  I haven't written in ages, because I feel like I have nothing to write about these days.  What's there to say?  I miss the boys.  I miss the stars in Jaibon.  I miss my friends who became my family.  I miss everything that comes with the rhythm of God's heartbeat when you walk His footsteps in another country.  I miss feeling bigger than my skin could contain because that's what God does when He moves in you like that, and I miss the way my tongue rolled on the roof of my mouth when I spoke in the most beautiful language God ever created.

I miss my heart.

I've been told lately that I should be serving wherever I am.  It's hard when I am still learning how to function here.  When I know with everything in me that this is not where I am supposed to be forever, but I am also sure that this is where I am supposed to be now.  I hate the big picture.  I want to go now.  I want to be gone, doing the work that God and I dream of doing.

I know that I have lost sight of what matters most.  I know that it is my nature to get caught up the work itself, instead of who I am working for.  I see that God is stripping me of what I hide behind.  What keeps me safe.

But I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm not the church girl.  I'm not the Dominican girl.  The Africa girl.   God has turned my life on its head in the last year and as much fun as that sounds, I'm so exhausted.  And lost.   And sad.  And I am trying so hard not to be any of those things, that it just makes it worse.

I'm grasping at air so that I don't have to stand naked before You.  But that's silly, isn't it?  You already know me.  You already knew me.  It's done.  I need my head and my heart to have a once-and-for-all conversation.  Because I understand it in my brain, but my heart is slow to receive.

My heart doesn't have a choice in this.  That's good, because if it did, it wouldn't think about growing anymore, and then it would tucker out and die soon, because that's the track I was on.  God knows my heart better than I do, and I know He is chiseling it, sculpting it, tossing it in the fire and refining it because that's what needs to happen for me to be able to do all of this right.  God's in the business of loving people until it hurts, and I'm in the business of following God.  I see it.  I surrender to it.  I don't have a choice.

You're making me new.