Today I filled out databases for kids at Agape. I tried to figure out the remnants of years of mismatched paperwork filled out about these kids. They all say different things, like maybe the kid is 13 years old on one page and 14 on another, depending on who filled it out. Maybe their mother is dead, or maybe she is a waitress at the local hotel. It's not holes in research, it's the nature of life here, I think.
I can't imagine not knowing my birthday. I can't imagine not knowing how old I am. Or what my middle name is. If there is a kid that doesn't have a birthday, we make his birthday January 1, of whatever year he thinks he was born. I filled out a lot of "January 1"s today.
I threw such a fit last year on my birthday. Your birthday is the one day a year when you are allowed to feel special or whatever. People don't celebrate birthdays here because no one really knows their birthday. And I whine when people don't recognize mine.
I get irritated when people mess up my name, like if they mispronounce it or something. But at least I have one, a real one, one given to me with a lot of thought and care and love. I can't imagine not knowing my whole name, my real name. Or getting one given to you by people looking through your life in a file.
I will say that the kids that I have met so far are absolutely wonderful. Funny. Kind. They love to help. They love to hang out and joke around. They love to talk to you and it doesn't matter if you are sweaty or if your hair is frizzy. I love it because all the things that matter back home DON'T MATTER HERE. And the stuff that I take for granted, like patience and sincerity and relationships and unconditional love... That's the stuff on the front lines of battle here.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are so many things that I hold in high account in life to help determine who I am. It all seems trivial now.
It all keeps coming back to God. Just God, you know? It really doesn't matter what people say, or who stays or goes or loves me or rejects me or hurts me. God knows every hair on my head, even when I accidentally pull one out because I haven't brushed my hair in a while (I left my hairbrush in California). I just pulled another one out. I wonder if God is laughing with me on that one.
See, with God, it doesn't matter if my hair is frizzy or if I smell, the same way it is with the kids here. I know that Jesus is here, and I know that Jesus is in them. I see it, just like I see the sun shining or the bug bites on my arms. It's easy to get caught up in the crap that happens here, and how people wrong you. But I am seeing Jesus here more and more. David conquering Goliath, good over evil, every day. And I love it.
Asante, Nakupenda Sana. (I'm learning!)
be well my friends. Miss you.
Riss
30 April 2009
29 April 2009
29.04.2009
Hodgepodge.
* I miss American food. But the food here is growing on me. I've eaten scuma-wiki and ugali (you can check my spelling on that.. haha). Scuma is this green stuff that kind of reminds me of coleslaw, but it's actually really good. Someone said it's kale. I'm not sure what it's made of. I'll research that more and get back to you. Ugali is this white mush. It's like half bread, half mashed potatoes as far as texture goes, but it has no taste whatsoever. You eat scuma and ugali at the same time, and you eat it with your hands. Some of the guys at Agape offered me some of their lunch of scuma and ugali. They were not grossed out that I reached into their food with my dirty hands. I love it.
* Yesterday we watched the news because Parliament was making some sort of crazy decisions. Kenya has a president AND a prime minister. On the news there was a black man with the parliament wig on... the long, curly one. I thought that was funny.
* I miss being able to brush my teeth with the water from the faucet. I actually just miss not having to think about whether or not the tap water is going into my mouth/nose/ears/eyes. It's kind of annoying, really.
* I need a haircut. I now know why African women shave their head or wear the braids.. it's so stinkin' hot. Hair is just annoying.
* I am an impatient person. I am always punctual. God sent me to Kenya. God has a sense of humor, I think.
* I'm also reading a lot. I am terrible at reading aloud, I think it's because my brain moves faster than my mouth, which is why I have trouble speaking my mind eloquently. So I've been trying to read out loud, so that I don't sound like a loser all the time. But I get bored. I am reading The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. I read aloud with a british accent and it's much more fun.
* I was trying to describe America to Paul the other day. It was interesting to think about my country and culture, trying to describe it to someone who has never been.
* I sleep in a mosquito net. It's cool at first. But then you have to get up in the middle of the night and you forget that it's there and you get tangled in it.
* I didn't know elbows could sweat. Awesome.
* I am going to learn how to cook while I am here. I WILL!
* I now understand what people meant when they talked about bad reactions to Malaria meds. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours at a time for the past couple of days. I have the TRIPPIEST dreams. One of which involved my baby sister having robot spider arms like that guy from Star Wars, and another where I had Chinese food that talks to me. It's funny. But I'm crabby from lack of sleep.
* Does anyone want to send me any good books to read? I will love you forever. :)
Love and miss you all.
* I miss American food. But the food here is growing on me. I've eaten scuma-wiki and ugali (you can check my spelling on that.. haha). Scuma is this green stuff that kind of reminds me of coleslaw, but it's actually really good. Someone said it's kale. I'm not sure what it's made of. I'll research that more and get back to you. Ugali is this white mush. It's like half bread, half mashed potatoes as far as texture goes, but it has no taste whatsoever. You eat scuma and ugali at the same time, and you eat it with your hands. Some of the guys at Agape offered me some of their lunch of scuma and ugali. They were not grossed out that I reached into their food with my dirty hands. I love it.
* Yesterday we watched the news because Parliament was making some sort of crazy decisions. Kenya has a president AND a prime minister. On the news there was a black man with the parliament wig on... the long, curly one. I thought that was funny.
* I miss being able to brush my teeth with the water from the faucet. I actually just miss not having to think about whether or not the tap water is going into my mouth/nose/ears/eyes. It's kind of annoying, really.
* I need a haircut. I now know why African women shave their head or wear the braids.. it's so stinkin' hot. Hair is just annoying.
* I am an impatient person. I am always punctual. God sent me to Kenya. God has a sense of humor, I think.
* I'm also reading a lot. I am terrible at reading aloud, I think it's because my brain moves faster than my mouth, which is why I have trouble speaking my mind eloquently. So I've been trying to read out loud, so that I don't sound like a loser all the time. But I get bored. I am reading The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. I read aloud with a british accent and it's much more fun.
* I was trying to describe America to Paul the other day. It was interesting to think about my country and culture, trying to describe it to someone who has never been.
* I sleep in a mosquito net. It's cool at first. But then you have to get up in the middle of the night and you forget that it's there and you get tangled in it.
* I didn't know elbows could sweat. Awesome.
* I am going to learn how to cook while I am here. I WILL!
* I now understand what people meant when they talked about bad reactions to Malaria meds. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours at a time for the past couple of days. I have the TRIPPIEST dreams. One of which involved my baby sister having robot spider arms like that guy from Star Wars, and another where I had Chinese food that talks to me. It's funny. But I'm crabby from lack of sleep.
* Does anyone want to send me any good books to read? I will love you forever. :)
Love and miss you all.
26.04.2009
'm generally pretty punctual. I like to know what time we are supposed to be doing things. I like time, really. It keeps me organized. It keeps me focused and on schedule.
Kenya has NO CONCEPT OF TIME. (name that movie)
For example, in America, when you go to a restaurant and you order your food, they have it out to you in like half hour, 20 minutes if they are good. You don't really have to wait for your food.
Last night we went to dinner, and we got our food almost an hour and a half after we ordered.
And anyone who has ever been to Kenya is probably laughing right now. Because you know what I am talking about.
People see time as more of a chance for fellowship and building relationships. In America, if I say "dinner at 6", I can plan to be done by 7. Maybe 7:30 at the latest. In Kenya, if I say "dinner at 6" I don't get home until 9:30.
I'm not sure if I like it or not. It's going to take some getting used to. haha.
love and miss you all! Big hugs,
riss
Kenya has NO CONCEPT OF TIME. (name that movie)
For example, in America, when you go to a restaurant and you order your food, they have it out to you in like half hour, 20 minutes if they are good. You don't really have to wait for your food.
Last night we went to dinner, and we got our food almost an hour and a half after we ordered.
And anyone who has ever been to Kenya is probably laughing right now. Because you know what I am talking about.
People see time as more of a chance for fellowship and building relationships. In America, if I say "dinner at 6", I can plan to be done by 7. Maybe 7:30 at the latest. In Kenya, if I say "dinner at 6" I don't get home until 9:30.
I'm not sure if I like it or not. It's going to take some getting used to. haha.
love and miss you all! Big hugs,
riss
24.04.2009
It seems I am developing a pattern of writing every other day. I am really hoping I don't run out of things to write about! I don't think I will. I am still inspired and I haven't really left the house much lately (I'm trying to kick this flu/cold thing).
In regards to my last entry, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and support and encouragement. It is much needed. I'm sorry that I have been complaining so much. I think I got so overwhelmed that I forgot to take a little time to revel in the beauty of this country.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" (Matthew 6:26, 28-30, NIV)
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:27-34 The Message)
In my old, old, old house we had bluejays. I'm usually pretty cool with nature; it's an "I don't bug you, you don't bug me" kind of understanding. But these FREAKIN' bluejays would caw-caw every morning before the sun came up. And it's not like a cordial "chirp-chirp". Those blue jays are like that grandma that is always asking you why you don't have a boyfriend yet. You kind of wish she had a mute button. Or at least a filter or something. I'll just say that I don't invite any birds to my birthday parties, okay?
But then I came to Kenya. And everything is green and beautiful and I wish that you could see the flowers that are growing on the tree right outside my bedroom window. They are orange like fire and sunrises and they grow on top of these flat trees that I call "trampoline trees" because I could imagine myself bouncing on top of them for hours and hours. And the birds chirp like in a Disney movie and I feel like Cinderella or Snow White and there is camaraderie and we are singing and whistling and cleaning or whatever it is they do in those movies. The birds are bluer than the songs they sing, and it's beautiful and simple and pure and I sometimes forget about it because I am so busy thinking about all of the other stuff.
I wonder how it is possible for a country to be so corrupt and malicious and hateful and yet is so absolutely, completely beautiful. So green. I look at the nature around me and the sky when the sun is setting in it's purples and reds and even the lightning storms that look like fireworks and I imagine this is what the Garden of Eden must have been like, only without all the noise and pollution and disease and poverty. I cannot explain how beautiful it is here.
I've been thinking a lot about the Garden of Eden lately and I wonder why God would create something like a garden. God could have created a castle or a Cadillac Escalade or Disneyland. But the first thing he creates for Adam and Eve to live in when everything is complete perfection before all this sin infected our lives.. I'm just wondering why it's a garden. The environment is so fickle, and plants wither and die when you forget to water them for a week on vacation or when you water them too much or when the dog pees in them. Most of us have thumbs that are not green and time that is not to be spent on caring for a potted plant you bought at OSH or Home Depot. And so I'm wondering why God would create this perfect garden, this pure and simple and beautiful garden and say "this is perfect for my perfect son." So why would God make a garden that can so easily shrivel up and die? And why was this the place that God let Adam and Eve live in? I'm sure that God and Adam would take walks in the sunrise and Adam would ask questions or tell jokes and God would laugh and they would have this amazing Savior/Creator/Best Friend kind of relationship. I wonder what it would be like to see God or to hear is voice or laugh with him. That's the kind of stuff that the Garden of Eden makes me think about: this perfect intimacy with God.
I figure, God could have created some sort of insane piece of technology in a millisecond if that's what it took to get us to understand the simple joy in life. But technology is like the opposite of simple. And God is the opposite of technology. However, I don't consider God to be simple. Maybe my theory is off a little bit.
Anyway, I come here and the nature is so tangible and real. And I love it. I look at the birds of the air and how beautiful they are and I think of that verse and I try to comprehend how a God who makes these beautiful birds and these gorgeous flowers could love me more than any of these things and I can't figure it out. I guess I'm not supposed to, right? That's just the way it is around here. And there is no way that this place is even remotely as beautiful as the Garden of Eden. Geeze, what were we thinking...
I think of that bible verse and I've heard it a bazillion times and I've used it to help through all sorts of situations: divorce, death, abandonment, neglect, anger, fear, depression, eviction, heartbreak, sickness. But I never take that verse for what it is: the simplicity of life. It's birds, and flowers and grass and us. Why would God give us a Garden like Eden or a country as beautiful as this one if there was any sort of reason for us to be wanting more than that? I know that cars are convenient and new clothes make us feel good. But are they necessary? No. I think that's what that verse comes down to. Worry is just as unnecessary as the new clothes, or the expensive car or the fancy new cell phone or whatever it is that you think you need.
It all really just comes down to the birds, the flowers, you, me and God. And that's beautiful, don't you think?
In regards to my last entry, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and support and encouragement. It is much needed. I'm sorry that I have been complaining so much. I think I got so overwhelmed that I forgot to take a little time to revel in the beauty of this country.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" (Matthew 6:26, 28-30, NIV)
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:27-34 The Message)
In my old, old, old house we had bluejays. I'm usually pretty cool with nature; it's an "I don't bug you, you don't bug me" kind of understanding. But these FREAKIN' bluejays would caw-caw every morning before the sun came up. And it's not like a cordial "chirp-chirp". Those blue jays are like that grandma that is always asking you why you don't have a boyfriend yet. You kind of wish she had a mute button. Or at least a filter or something. I'll just say that I don't invite any birds to my birthday parties, okay?
But then I came to Kenya. And everything is green and beautiful and I wish that you could see the flowers that are growing on the tree right outside my bedroom window. They are orange like fire and sunrises and they grow on top of these flat trees that I call "trampoline trees" because I could imagine myself bouncing on top of them for hours and hours. And the birds chirp like in a Disney movie and I feel like Cinderella or Snow White and there is camaraderie and we are singing and whistling and cleaning or whatever it is they do in those movies. The birds are bluer than the songs they sing, and it's beautiful and simple and pure and I sometimes forget about it because I am so busy thinking about all of the other stuff.
I wonder how it is possible for a country to be so corrupt and malicious and hateful and yet is so absolutely, completely beautiful. So green. I look at the nature around me and the sky when the sun is setting in it's purples and reds and even the lightning storms that look like fireworks and I imagine this is what the Garden of Eden must have been like, only without all the noise and pollution and disease and poverty. I cannot explain how beautiful it is here.
I've been thinking a lot about the Garden of Eden lately and I wonder why God would create something like a garden. God could have created a castle or a Cadillac Escalade or Disneyland. But the first thing he creates for Adam and Eve to live in when everything is complete perfection before all this sin infected our lives.. I'm just wondering why it's a garden. The environment is so fickle, and plants wither and die when you forget to water them for a week on vacation or when you water them too much or when the dog pees in them. Most of us have thumbs that are not green and time that is not to be spent on caring for a potted plant you bought at OSH or Home Depot. And so I'm wondering why God would create this perfect garden, this pure and simple and beautiful garden and say "this is perfect for my perfect son." So why would God make a garden that can so easily shrivel up and die? And why was this the place that God let Adam and Eve live in? I'm sure that God and Adam would take walks in the sunrise and Adam would ask questions or tell jokes and God would laugh and they would have this amazing Savior/Creator/Best Friend kind of relationship. I wonder what it would be like to see God or to hear is voice or laugh with him. That's the kind of stuff that the Garden of Eden makes me think about: this perfect intimacy with God.
I figure, God could have created some sort of insane piece of technology in a millisecond if that's what it took to get us to understand the simple joy in life. But technology is like the opposite of simple. And God is the opposite of technology. However, I don't consider God to be simple. Maybe my theory is off a little bit.
Anyway, I come here and the nature is so tangible and real. And I love it. I look at the birds of the air and how beautiful they are and I think of that verse and I try to comprehend how a God who makes these beautiful birds and these gorgeous flowers could love me more than any of these things and I can't figure it out. I guess I'm not supposed to, right? That's just the way it is around here. And there is no way that this place is even remotely as beautiful as the Garden of Eden. Geeze, what were we thinking...
I think of that bible verse and I've heard it a bazillion times and I've used it to help through all sorts of situations: divorce, death, abandonment, neglect, anger, fear, depression, eviction, heartbreak, sickness. But I never take that verse for what it is: the simplicity of life. It's birds, and flowers and grass and us. Why would God give us a Garden like Eden or a country as beautiful as this one if there was any sort of reason for us to be wanting more than that? I know that cars are convenient and new clothes make us feel good. But are they necessary? No. I think that's what that verse comes down to. Worry is just as unnecessary as the new clothes, or the expensive car or the fancy new cell phone or whatever it is that you think you need.
It all really just comes down to the birds, the flowers, you, me and God. And that's beautiful, don't you think?
22.04.2009
I think I need to take a moment to be quite honest. Sometimes, I try to be braver than I am. But I'm really not brave at all, I don't think. So, as you can imagine, I often find myself pretending. A little honesty is needed here today.
I feel immense pressure being here. It's a pressure that I have created, and I do not know why I created it. It's not fun. But I feel like because so many people have given me money to come here and because God picked me for this job (of all the freakin' people He could have picked...) and because people are telling me how envious they are and how I am going for them and how I am going to have a great time... I feel like I have to do a good job here and I feel like I have to always be strong and brave and smart and honest and patient and all of these things that I am sometimes not. I look back at those words I just listed, and I'm thinking that maybe it's not a bad thing that I try to be those things. Now I just feel silly.
Today, I visited the outreach center here in Kisumu. From what I understand, it happens once a week, on Wednesdays. It's a place for the street kids to come and get some food and (i think) shower and here some of God's word. These kids do not live at Agape. I'm not sure if they know God or not. All the boys get pat down before they are allowed to come inside. And as I walked inside the gate, I was swarmed with kids. I had kids grabbing my hands and my arms and my hair and my face and touching me and yelling at me and, to be quite honest, it was all a little overwhelming.
I'll take that back. It was really overwhelming.
This is where I get stuck. I want to be here. I don't quite know what I've gotten myself into, but I want to be here. But the truth is, I am scared. Terrified. I need to say that. Because I hold it to be true, and because I don't know whether I can talk about it or not because I do not want to be a coward. I sometimes revel in my cowardice. I hate that about myself. I actually sat down inside and cried like a little wuss. And I feel so freakin' stupid. I cried, not because I was heartbroken, not because I was in pain. I cried because I am scared. Because I am a wuss and because I am small and because I am scared. I am scared to be here and I am scared that I am not going to fulfill this thing that I need to be fulfilling because it is a really big deal to be here, and when you do work like this, it matters what you say and how you act and whether or not I really believe and love the Jesus you say you do. It's the biggest test of faith, for me. To step up and rise to this challenge that has been presented to me, laid before me. I cannot do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm supposed to, and that's not really right, now is it?
Needless to say, I am still feeling a little under the weather and I'm tired and I'm homesick and so I'm sure that sets my emotions on high, which could affect why I had such a strange reaction. I always thought I would be so quick to jump in. But it's different here. I can't explain it. I am quick to feel uncomfortable and quick to cower and quick to hear the devil's voice and I am slow to see the truth and hear the quiet whisper of God. But I know that He is here. I know He is here like I know that I am here. I see him moving and breathing in the warriors that walk these streets in the name of God and in the name of Love. And these people are just people. Just bruised and broken masterpieces**. Just boys who just need to fulfill the need to be loved, to be worthy, used, and good. It's a need that exists in all of us. And when you think about it like that, it's really not that scary, right?
I'll end it with this, because it's making real sense to me lately: My last Sunday night youth group thing in California, we had a worship night/prayer time. I took a walk outside. I remember I was feeling very scared and very heartbroken because I was getting ready to leave and because I was going to miss my friends and so I cried. It was windy outside, and I like the wind because it feels like God's breath all around me. I remember telling God that I wasn't ready to go to Africa, that I couldn't do anything like this because generally mess up everything I set out to do, and because I am small and because I am only one person and because I talk a lot about being faithful and loving, but I am not sure if I am these things. I remember saying, "I can't.. I can't.. I can't." I used to say those words all the time, when I felt Satan controlling my soul. Those are the words of the unfaithful. I remember my soul being loud and my brain not really being very helpful, only saying things that were not good for me. But I felt the breath of God in the wind and I heard His voice. And he said, "you can because I can." (I think it's silly to type out what God says. Little letters trying to live up to the words of God... that's funny.) So there it is. I can do this not because of my own strength. Not because someone said it would be fun. Not because I'm not good at anything else. I can do this because God can do this. And me and God are a pretty good team, I think. Mostly because of God. He is like David Beckham and I am like... the poo on the soccer field or something. I'm pretty useless. I kind of just run back and forth. God scores all the goals.
But I'm here. And that's enough for now. I'm going to go take a nap because I'm still feeling pretty sick, but I'm on antibiotics now. At least I don't have TB or something. :)
Oh, and I would also like to say that I miss milk/juice that have the easy-pour spout things. Here, we have to cut a flap in the boxes that our liquids come in. This creates sort of a "glug-glug" thing that sometimes makes the liquid go places it shouldn't go and it makes me sad, because all I wanted was milk on my cereal and juice in the cup and not on the counter or my shoes or my clean shirt. So enjoy that common luxury, America. I'll look forward to it when I come home. :)
love and miss you all dearly. (95 degrees in Sacramento.. SUCKAAAASSSS!)
**"Economy of Mercy" by Switchfoot
I feel immense pressure being here. It's a pressure that I have created, and I do not know why I created it. It's not fun. But I feel like because so many people have given me money to come here and because God picked me for this job (of all the freakin' people He could have picked...) and because people are telling me how envious they are and how I am going for them and how I am going to have a great time... I feel like I have to do a good job here and I feel like I have to always be strong and brave and smart and honest and patient and all of these things that I am sometimes not. I look back at those words I just listed, and I'm thinking that maybe it's not a bad thing that I try to be those things. Now I just feel silly.
Today, I visited the outreach center here in Kisumu. From what I understand, it happens once a week, on Wednesdays. It's a place for the street kids to come and get some food and (i think) shower and here some of God's word. These kids do not live at Agape. I'm not sure if they know God or not. All the boys get pat down before they are allowed to come inside. And as I walked inside the gate, I was swarmed with kids. I had kids grabbing my hands and my arms and my hair and my face and touching me and yelling at me and, to be quite honest, it was all a little overwhelming.
I'll take that back. It was really overwhelming.
This is where I get stuck. I want to be here. I don't quite know what I've gotten myself into, but I want to be here. But the truth is, I am scared. Terrified. I need to say that. Because I hold it to be true, and because I don't know whether I can talk about it or not because I do not want to be a coward. I sometimes revel in my cowardice. I hate that about myself. I actually sat down inside and cried like a little wuss. And I feel so freakin' stupid. I cried, not because I was heartbroken, not because I was in pain. I cried because I am scared. Because I am a wuss and because I am small and because I am scared. I am scared to be here and I am scared that I am not going to fulfill this thing that I need to be fulfilling because it is a really big deal to be here, and when you do work like this, it matters what you say and how you act and whether or not I really believe and love the Jesus you say you do. It's the biggest test of faith, for me. To step up and rise to this challenge that has been presented to me, laid before me. I cannot do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm supposed to, and that's not really right, now is it?
Needless to say, I am still feeling a little under the weather and I'm tired and I'm homesick and so I'm sure that sets my emotions on high, which could affect why I had such a strange reaction. I always thought I would be so quick to jump in. But it's different here. I can't explain it. I am quick to feel uncomfortable and quick to cower and quick to hear the devil's voice and I am slow to see the truth and hear the quiet whisper of God. But I know that He is here. I know He is here like I know that I am here. I see him moving and breathing in the warriors that walk these streets in the name of God and in the name of Love. And these people are just people. Just bruised and broken masterpieces**. Just boys who just need to fulfill the need to be loved, to be worthy, used, and good. It's a need that exists in all of us. And when you think about it like that, it's really not that scary, right?
I'll end it with this, because it's making real sense to me lately: My last Sunday night youth group thing in California, we had a worship night/prayer time. I took a walk outside. I remember I was feeling very scared and very heartbroken because I was getting ready to leave and because I was going to miss my friends and so I cried. It was windy outside, and I like the wind because it feels like God's breath all around me. I remember telling God that I wasn't ready to go to Africa, that I couldn't do anything like this because generally mess up everything I set out to do, and because I am small and because I am only one person and because I talk a lot about being faithful and loving, but I am not sure if I am these things. I remember saying, "I can't.. I can't.. I can't." I used to say those words all the time, when I felt Satan controlling my soul. Those are the words of the unfaithful. I remember my soul being loud and my brain not really being very helpful, only saying things that were not good for me. But I felt the breath of God in the wind and I heard His voice. And he said, "you can because I can." (I think it's silly to type out what God says. Little letters trying to live up to the words of God... that's funny.) So there it is. I can do this not because of my own strength. Not because someone said it would be fun. Not because I'm not good at anything else. I can do this because God can do this. And me and God are a pretty good team, I think. Mostly because of God. He is like David Beckham and I am like... the poo on the soccer field or something. I'm pretty useless. I kind of just run back and forth. God scores all the goals.
But I'm here. And that's enough for now. I'm going to go take a nap because I'm still feeling pretty sick, but I'm on antibiotics now. At least I don't have TB or something. :)
Oh, and I would also like to say that I miss milk/juice that have the easy-pour spout things. Here, we have to cut a flap in the boxes that our liquids come in. This creates sort of a "glug-glug" thing that sometimes makes the liquid go places it shouldn't go and it makes me sad, because all I wanted was milk on my cereal and juice in the cup and not on the counter or my shoes or my clean shirt. So enjoy that common luxury, America. I'll look forward to it when I come home. :)
love and miss you all dearly. (95 degrees in Sacramento.. SUCKAAAASSSS!)
**"Economy of Mercy" by Switchfoot
20.04.2009
Well, I'm officially homesick. Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.
I think it was looking at the pictures of the anniversary party that did it. I thought I was going to be able to hold out longer.. I've only been gone a week.
I think this means that I have to not go on facebook as much. I have to separate myself. I know that God wants me here. I know that God doesn't want me wishing I was somewhere else. There is too much to be done here and there is too big of a purpose. I feel it deep within me.
So... we will see. Be well, my friends. I love and miss you all.
p.s. thank you for all your prayers. i am feeling much better. not out of the woods yet, but a definite improvement. i just need a little more rest. :)
I think it was looking at the pictures of the anniversary party that did it. I thought I was going to be able to hold out longer.. I've only been gone a week.
I think this means that I have to not go on facebook as much. I have to separate myself. I know that God wants me here. I know that God doesn't want me wishing I was somewhere else. There is too much to be done here and there is too big of a purpose. I feel it deep within me.
So... we will see. Be well, my friends. I love and miss you all.
p.s. thank you for all your prayers. i am feeling much better. not out of the woods yet, but a definite improvement. i just need a little more rest. :)
19.04.2009
Hi Everyone!
I'm trying to write as often as I can. I don't know how boring it will be, but we will try. Right now I am at home with Paul and we are watching James and the Giant Peach. We made pizza. It feels kind of like home. Except there is a guard that walks around outside, and if I am quiet enough, I can hear lions growling. Seriously.
Yesterday I took my first tour of Agape. For those of you who do not know, Agape is a home/school for street boys here in Kisumu. Kisumu is the 2nd or 3rd most populated town in Africa. Nairobi is the most populated with something like 3 million people. I think there are two major slums here in Kisumu, and one of them is right down the street from the house. They are "houses" packed closely together with tin roofs and garbage everywhere and more people than I would ever like to see in an ordinary neighborhood. I think you should visit Kenya if you get an opportunity. It's beautiful and green. But it will break your heart.
Anyway, I was at Agape for most of the morning yesterday, meeting the staff and some of the boys. It almost seems tired to type about it, because I feel like everyone has seen the tv commercials with the little children looking sadly at the camera and the old white guy asking for money. It's like that. Only I'm not an old guy asking for money.
One of the major things that I'm learning is how difficult it is to keep the kids in the home. Most of the boys that come in are addicted to glue and sex and stealing and fighting. They are like the convicts back home except they are 8 years old. They come to Agape to get healthy, but they leave because they are addicted to the street life. And with the political catastrophe that has occurred in the past couple of years, the poverty here has gotten worse. Homes were trashed, burned, and broken into because of your tribe. Because of where you lived. It's the worst kind of prejudice. Karen pointed out that it has absolutely nothing to do with skin color. Luckily, it has subsided some. I pray it stays this way.
(On a side note, I would like to say that there is a prime minister AND a president of Kenya. Neither of the candidates would give, so they both became leaders and they still don't agree on anything. Now I know part of why this country is in such rough shape.)
Anyway, the missionary life is tough. It requires flexibility and strength and you have to be a warrior like Jesus all the time, because they need it here. I feel and see evil stirring all over and there is such a need for hope and love and truth. So keep us all in your prayers.
Thanks. Love, love, love you all,
Riss
I'm trying to write as often as I can. I don't know how boring it will be, but we will try. Right now I am at home with Paul and we are watching James and the Giant Peach. We made pizza. It feels kind of like home. Except there is a guard that walks around outside, and if I am quiet enough, I can hear lions growling. Seriously.
Yesterday I took my first tour of Agape. For those of you who do not know, Agape is a home/school for street boys here in Kisumu. Kisumu is the 2nd or 3rd most populated town in Africa. Nairobi is the most populated with something like 3 million people. I think there are two major slums here in Kisumu, and one of them is right down the street from the house. They are "houses" packed closely together with tin roofs and garbage everywhere and more people than I would ever like to see in an ordinary neighborhood. I think you should visit Kenya if you get an opportunity. It's beautiful and green. But it will break your heart.
Anyway, I was at Agape for most of the morning yesterday, meeting the staff and some of the boys. It almost seems tired to type about it, because I feel like everyone has seen the tv commercials with the little children looking sadly at the camera and the old white guy asking for money. It's like that. Only I'm not an old guy asking for money.
One of the major things that I'm learning is how difficult it is to keep the kids in the home. Most of the boys that come in are addicted to glue and sex and stealing and fighting. They are like the convicts back home except they are 8 years old. They come to Agape to get healthy, but they leave because they are addicted to the street life. And with the political catastrophe that has occurred in the past couple of years, the poverty here has gotten worse. Homes were trashed, burned, and broken into because of your tribe. Because of where you lived. It's the worst kind of prejudice. Karen pointed out that it has absolutely nothing to do with skin color. Luckily, it has subsided some. I pray it stays this way.
(On a side note, I would like to say that there is a prime minister AND a president of Kenya. Neither of the candidates would give, so they both became leaders and they still don't agree on anything. Now I know part of why this country is in such rough shape.)
Anyway, the missionary life is tough. It requires flexibility and strength and you have to be a warrior like Jesus all the time, because they need it here. I feel and see evil stirring all over and there is such a need for hope and love and truth. So keep us all in your prayers.
Thanks. Love, love, love you all,
Riss
18 April 2009
I'm in Kisumu!
hey-oh!
I am starting my first full day in Kisumu, Kenya. The humidity here is crazy.. my hair and I are having some serious problems. haha. I'm actually in Mike's office right now at Agape while Mike and Karen are in a meeting with Levins. I am trying to remember everyone's names, but it's hard because my brain is on California time and also I am sick.
Actually, if you get a sec, could you say a prayer that my ears don't fall off? I think they might be infected. Seriously. I think I need to see the nurse sometime soon. My chest/throat/nose/ears are all congested. I would like to feel better, pronto.
Things are really different here. For one thing, the water situation is tricky. I'm learning a lot about the government, and how spoiled they are for how starving the nation is. I would also like to write in regards to a certain someone who thinks that he is smarter than me and is always trying to tell me what to do (I won't say who, but I enjoy the small moments when I am right and he is not) that you cannot drink the water here. Part of the reason that people are SO sick around here is because of the water. There are parasite and bacteria and even the natives get sick from drinking/swimming/bathing in it. So if you are wondering whether or not I should just drink it and get sick and move on all immune to it, you would be wrong. I would get stomach infections and parasites would live in my body and i would come back to america looking like Cher with all of her botox injections. No offense, Cher.
This is why i am going to salute people like Cori Ashley who are working for a cause like blood:water mission. Ask her about it and donate to her cause. Places like that are working on giving third world countries cleaner water. Cleaner water means healthier people. it's giving people a chance at a healthier, better, more successful life. i don't want to drink green water, thanks.
I also would just like to say that here in Kisumu, there is no shame in two grown men riding on a bicycle/motorcycle together. It makes me laugh everytime.
And you should all be stoked to meet Paul. He OWNS AT LIFE. Don't tell him i said that, though.
Love and miss you all. I'll try to write as much as I can. Please say some prayers. Being a missionary is much, much, much harder than I thought it w
I am starting my first full day in Kisumu, Kenya. The humidity here is crazy.. my hair and I are having some serious problems. haha. I'm actually in Mike's office right now at Agape while Mike and Karen are in a meeting with Levins. I am trying to remember everyone's names, but it's hard because my brain is on California time and also I am sick.
Actually, if you get a sec, could you say a prayer that my ears don't fall off? I think they might be infected. Seriously. I think I need to see the nurse sometime soon. My chest/throat/nose/ears are all congested. I would like to feel better, pronto.
Things are really different here. For one thing, the water situation is tricky. I'm learning a lot about the government, and how spoiled they are for how starving the nation is. I would also like to write in regards to a certain someone who thinks that he is smarter than me and is always trying to tell me what to do (I won't say who, but I enjoy the small moments when I am right and he is not) that you cannot drink the water here. Part of the reason that people are SO sick around here is because of the water. There are parasite and bacteria and even the natives get sick from drinking/swimming/bathing in it. So if you are wondering whether or not I should just drink it and get sick and move on all immune to it, you would be wrong. I would get stomach infections and parasites would live in my body and i would come back to america looking like Cher with all of her botox injections. No offense, Cher.
This is why i am going to salute people like Cori Ashley who are working for a cause like blood:water mission. Ask her about it and donate to her cause. Places like that are working on giving third world countries cleaner water. Cleaner water means healthier people. it's giving people a chance at a healthier, better, more successful life. i don't want to drink green water, thanks.
I also would just like to say that here in Kisumu, there is no shame in two grown men riding on a bicycle/motorcycle together. It makes me laugh everytime.
And you should all be stoked to meet Paul. He OWNS AT LIFE. Don't tell him i said that, though.
Love and miss you all. I'll try to write as much as I can. Please say some prayers. Being a missionary is much, much, much harder than I thought it w
Day 1.
Some thoughts on the day(s).
1. I sleep better in airports than on airplanes.
2. I got kicked off the subway in London. Luckily, the stop was only a few miles from the airport. And London is beautiful. I didn't mind much.
3. I am so, so, so stoked to be here. I can't even explain it.
4. Traffic lanes don't mean much here. For example, we were driving from the airport on a 3 (4 at the most) lane highway that was packed 5 lanes wide. it makes me laugh a little.
5. I have a sick voice today. Mostly because I am sick. Hooray, immune system.
6. JET LAG SUCKS. I had to go to bed at 5:30 pm last night. And that was after several naps during the day. And I'm still exhausted.
7. Nairobi is really, really cool. They have malls and coffee shops and clothing stores. And there are people of all kinds of races. The roads are different, and there are tons of people that walk on the sides of the roads. There is such an energy here. I like it.
8. Giraffes slobber a lot. And they can run fast. And they are HUGE.
9. Elephants are hairier than I thought they would be.
10. Baby rhinos are cute.
11. I cannot wait to see what else God has for us here. This is the coolest thing ever. Seriously.
1. I sleep better in airports than on airplanes.
2. I got kicked off the subway in London. Luckily, the stop was only a few miles from the airport. And London is beautiful. I didn't mind much.
3. I am so, so, so stoked to be here. I can't even explain it.
4. Traffic lanes don't mean much here. For example, we were driving from the airport on a 3 (4 at the most) lane highway that was packed 5 lanes wide. it makes me laugh a little.
5. I have a sick voice today. Mostly because I am sick. Hooray, immune system.
6. JET LAG SUCKS. I had to go to bed at 5:30 pm last night. And that was after several naps during the day. And I'm still exhausted.
7. Nairobi is really, really cool. They have malls and coffee shops and clothing stores. And there are people of all kinds of races. The roads are different, and there are tons of people that walk on the sides of the roads. There is such an energy here. I like it.
8. Giraffes slobber a lot. And they can run fast. And they are HUGE.
9. Elephants are hairier than I thought they would be.
10. Baby rhinos are cute.
11. I cannot wait to see what else God has for us here. This is the coolest thing ever. Seriously.
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